Last night I had a dream. Well, I didn’t just have a dream last night, but the one I had last night was one of my most interesting ones and I couldn’t help but share it.
First of all, the thing that transported me to this alternate reality was a little money scale. You sit in it somehow, and then stick something on the other side that is heavier than you, and as you go up you are being zapped into the other reality. Unfortunately, that dog that I was supposed to be sending to my friend in another reality happened to be heavier than me (It was a little dog, for crying out loud. It wasn’t supposed to weigh that much). So instead of the dog being zapped I got zapped, and found myself at a bowling competition, which wasn’t even where the dog was meant to get transported to.
Well, lucky for me there was a friendly person named Ned that decided to help me. I don’t know how he planned on helping me while training a special needs kid to bowl. I ended up helping him actually. We both trained this kid to compete in the tournament, but when we went to enter him in, we found that the two teams were beating each other up. The rival team claimed that they had won, but they had less points than the home team.
I then started a sermon on the passion of Christ, complete with a slideshow and powerpoint. I soon realized that I had no clue why I was doing it, and so I left the building. I entered another building, an old abandoned theatre, and turned to see Ned following me, along with his two goth friends, who were smoking up a storm. I asked why he had to bring them, and he just gave some vague answers. They left soon after, though.
Then my family came. I introduced them to Ned, but I could see that they were determined to hate him. As I was speaking to my mom, I happened to look to the side, and I saw that Ned was no longer there. I asked where he had gone, but my dad began to act all secretive, saying that he had left, but I didn’t believe him. I ran around the theatre, shouting for Ned. He didn’t answer. I opened a door and found myself in a garden. In the grass was this red, glowing, pulpy stuff. I knew it was Ned.
My dad came out and told me a tragic story of how Ned had become fed up with his life and went and committed suicide in the blender. I asked how he knew this, and he said he saw it happen. I asked why he hadn’t stopped it, and he said he was too far away. And then I realized…my own father had blended up Ned.
I am going to pause in the relating of my dream to explain to you that this idea of murdering guy friends most likely came from the joke that my dad plans on killing any undesirable, prospective suitors of mine. My other reason to pausing the story is to say that my mom just found mosquito larvae squirming around on the kitchen counter. Appetizing.
Back to the tale. I was scared that I would be next, so I ran outside. Across the street, there was the cable guy’s truck, and for some reason, I was drawn to a pair of work pants that he had sitting on the front seat. I looked down to see I didn’t have any pants on, which would explain my strange attraction to these ones. The door was unlocked so I grabbed the pants and started putting them on, trying to get as far away from the theatre as I could. I looked to my right and saw a row of trees blocking my view. I continued my escape behind this wall of trees, to prevent anyone from seeing me. I looked to my right again to see another row of trees, denser than the first. I continued behind them.
I looked to my right again and saw a cliff of sand leading down into the ocean. On the edge of the ocean was a bunch of workers, picking up garbage. Note: At this point, I still hadn’t gotten my pants all the way on. Finally, though, I pulled them up and buttoned them, and joined the workers on the beach, because we were dressed exactly the same.
I felt this awkward weight in my left arm, and looked down to see an old-fashioned book being held in the crook of my elbow. I started running down the beach, intent on putting the book somewhere, and I ran into these two old men who were racing to Italy on their make-believe boats. A huge wave would take them out, and then another huge wave would bring them back, and they would do that for ages and ages. Suddenly, I looked in front of me and saw a telephone pole, and beyond that, only empty space. I had reached the end of the alternate reality.
And I have reached the end of my dream. Merry Christmas.