I am going to write about a man called Lord Bifarious. He is well-known in some parts of the world, and less-known in others. He has many great accomplishments, and awards for accomplishing things, and he is very boring. At least, most people think he is.
Now, the reason I am writing about him is because nobody else has, and I believe that everyone deserves to be written about. Take myself for example. I am quite interesting, to say the least, and unless somebody writes about me, no one will know what an astounding person I am. I will be my next subject.
Lord Bifarious is a nasty person. He prides himself in causing much grief and misery, while he himself is miserable. He is also vain, and bald. And so, he wears a wig, and carries a mirror about in his back pocket for emergencies.
He is ghastly to look at. Bifarious’ skin is the color, and texture, of an old sheet of writing paper, yellow and withered with age. Nobody actually knows Lord Bifarious’ age, since he prefers to keep that information a secret.
Bifarious is short, but not fat. He has small feet and a small brain, long fingernails and long ears. He is quite a comical person when you first meet him. But then, have him over for tea and you’ll find yourself wishing you hadn’t made cheese trifle. From the oil spots on the carpet, and a broken chair, you’ll realize your horrid mistake. And from the conversations you will have with him, you will see that he likes National Geographics.
Lord Bifarious is not a real lord. He simply borrowed the title from a deceased cousin of his, one whom he had never met. He also borrowed his castle, carriages, and the thousand horses he keeps in his equally borrowed sable. You will occasionally sight him awkwardly riding his favorite horse, Dill.
When you see him, you will know him instantly. He just adores wearing his red cape and boots, and he paints silver lightening bolts on his stubble. Bifarious also goes around with an armed guard. This guard is dressed as a medieval knight, and his weapon is a stick with three chains hanging from it. On the end of each of these three chains are spiked balls, good for crushing heads and breaking backs. Of course, he never uses it. When the need comes to fight, he lays it down, shrugs off his plastic armor, and practices his judo training on the offender.
As I see I’ve given you a pretty lengthy description of Lord Bifarious (I told you he was boring), I should now close. Please heed my warnings and stay away from this rude vain man, especially if you are good-looking. He may get mad at your face and unleash his two-ton bodyguard on you. That wouldn’t be pretty. Just stay out of his sight, and out of his mind, so as long as you both shall live, and we can call it good. Hopefully.