“Learn to light a candle in the darkest moments of someone’s life. Be the light that helps others see; it is what gives life its deepest significance.” – Roy T. Bennet

Posts tagged ‘dreams’

To Think

Being young and having a baby puts me in an awkward place with my peers. Most women my age are only just getting engaged, or otherwise they are in school and working five days a week. This places me at the edge of circles, not yet old enough to be considered in the mom groups and in such a different place in life that I feel strangely mature in my usual group of friends.
I know I’m not the only mom to feel this way. My life doesn’t revolve fully around my child and husband. I don’t have dinner on the table every night. I just want to go on long runs in the forest and come home to a smiling baby, but that’s an impossible daydream.
I do like to work. I enjoy the feeling of earning my money and paying bills. I enjoy helping others.
Maybe what I’m trying to say is that I feel too young, too old, too busy, too lazy, and nowhere near where I wish I were in life.
I’ve always dreamt of traveling the world and learning new languages, of meeting new people and living in both poverty and riches in order to fully understand the world. I wanted to be a police officer, unbiased toward even the most distinctly different person. I wanted to be a writer, able to carry emotions in my words and change people though them. I wanted to be a wanderer, untethered by family or feelings and able to explore the entire expanse of the earth by wit alone.
But I found myself married at twenty years old and it’s possible that none of those dreams will ever come into fruition. And perhaps that is all they ever were: dreams. They were ideas that I latched onto and ruminated over so often that I found no fault in them.
Now I do find fault in them. They are missing my husband and my son and my family and friends and perhaps I feel for them more than I let on. I can be stoic and tired and hard and untouchable but I don’t think I can live without the people that surround me.
I sympathize for moody teenagers because I was one, but I also understand the need for stability and nine to fives and those days that drag on because they mean you love and are loved. I love and am loved, and I could continue to pine away for my unfulfilled dreams but sometimes things come into your life that you never expect and you never knew you needed.
I never meant for this to become what it is, but I guess I needed to write some things out for them to make sense in my head. Thank you for listening.

Bridges

Under the bridges of

Anybody’s hopes

It’s interesting to see

The nuances that rope

Their feelings together

In the dim light dreaming

Calling or falling away

And the sunrise bleeding

With the need to

Or the want to

Strip minds of their

Own disturbances

Lose the weight of

Mental absences

And concrete silences

Under the bridges

On the bridges

We walk and we waltz

But below there are

Waves to be calmed

Not ignored

The tempest may break

The bows of the forest

Flooding the atmosphere

With the withering honest

The honesty awashed

In nobody’s bridges

We shout to it

Caress it with voices

Perhaps it will begin

To turn away from us

Ashamed of its anger

And bloodlust

Nevertheless

Under the bridges of

Anybody’s hopes

We may wait in a ship

And look up

 

 

© 2012 singinthebreeze.wordpress.com

I Have So Many…

I have so many dreams, not just the kind in which I am flying or people are dying around me and I’m just sitting there, eating bananas. I also have those dreams in which I am doing something great in the future, or something in the future, whether by your definition of great or by mine. I want to get married and have a lot children and be a cookie baker of a mother. I want to travel the world but have a home base where I can return to and know that I have security in a foundation. I want to be wise, and know people. I want to be able to look into somebody’s eyes and realize they have the weight of the world on their shoulders, and I want to be able to help them. I want people to need me for what I have to offer. I want to grow old. I want to have grandchildren and great-grandchildren all looking up to me and coming over to my house to be spoiled. I don’t want to be anything typical, I want to create a new example of typical, and when I die, people can say, “Yes, she was a daughter, she was a mother, she was a grandmother. But that is not all she was. She was the warmth of the flame, the lamp in the dark, and the smell of the sea.”

I Had This Dream…

There were three levels. There was red, which was Basic. These were the least of everyone. They were the masons and the carpenters and the kitchen workers. They had importance, but they were overlooked. There was blue, which was Intermediate. They taught the Basics. They were the merchants and the businessmen. They were well-liked, but they were always away doing things for the Betterment the country. Then there was the yellow, the Elite.  They were the thinkers. They wrote and they drew and they taught and did things that were considered Most Important. They fought wars and they became celebrities. They were smarter than everybody else.

Then, there were the Elders. They were in charge of everybody. They held meetings and said prayers and grew beards and had wrinkles. They were strict and unbending, for the Scale of Evil was tipping further and further every day.

Before we did worked and did business and taught, we had to go to school. There we learned only the amount needed to do our jobs. I was Elite, so I learned many things. But, I was Elite By Deed (EBD). My Intermediate parents had saved the planet when they were Young, and because of it they were given seats at the Elder Circle. And so, I was placed in Elite school.

There was a guest speaker. All the levels came to hear her. She was an Elite and a celebrity. She spoke of realizing one day that nothing was stopping her from becoming famous, as she was Elite By Birth (EBB). She had gone to the Elders and signed her name to be on the screen. It was a pep talk of sorts. To the Basics she said to keep up the good work, and be the best in their field. To the Intermediates she said to keep their minds strong for the figures and money that came their way for the Betterment of the country. And to her fellow Elites she said to always be courageous and to never, ever lose their minds. Our minds are what keep the scale from tipping, she said.

We broke for lunch. Each level sat at their own tables, but I was friends with a Basic, and I sat at her table. People were fine with the friendship, because I was different and I was considered a Defect Elite. We were each given a plate and some crackers and we stood in line for our soup. When they ladled the soup onto my plate, I questioned why we didn’t use bowls, instead. The look the Basic kitchen worker gave me reminded me of the many reasons I was thought to be Defective.

When I was returning to the table, I realized that I had dropped my crackers somewhere. When I looked on the ground, I saw them in a neat little stack. The Basic straightener gave me a nod. Even the messes had to appear orderly and straight and alligned.

I sat down and found that more Basics had joined my friend at the table. They all looked at me but they couldn’t tell me to leave because I was a higher level and I had more authority. Their Intermediate tutor came and joined us, and we all held hands for Prayer. As we prayed, the male Basic to my left started playing with my gold Elite ring. I thought he was rude but I said nothing to Denounce him, as that might tip the scale. We finished praying and he let go.

They all had sheets of paper as their tutor taught them. I asked for a sheet so that I could keep my hands busy while I tried not to listen to the Intermediate. It was taboo for an Elite to be taught by an Intermediate. As they learned their Basic figures, I drew triangle and leaves. At one point, as I was staring it to space thinking of what else to draw, the same male Basic started playing with my ring. I looked down at my hand, and he withdrew his.

The break was over, and we all returned to our seats in the conference room. But just as the speaker was continuing, all the Elites were called away for an urgent meeting with the Elders. We were nervous because this wasn’t a normal thing. When we entered the meeting room, we all gazed in awe at the scale in the center. It looked like a weight scale, only it had a long pole sticking out the top that had millions of misdeeds written on it. Every misdeed caused the pole to grow heavier, and we could all see that the scale was straining under the weight.

The Elders motioned for us to sit down and began speaking. I looked at my Elder parents, and they nodded. They told us that we were only two misdeeds away from total disaster. This struck fear into our hearts, as nobody knew what exactly this “total disaster” was. Suddenly, a bee swooped down in from the window. It buzzed near my head, and I jumped up screaming bloody murder. As everyone scrambled to shoo the bee away, my father glowered at me (one of my defects was that I was deathly afraid of bees. As a child I had been stung on the neck, and I had gone into shock. My parents found me convulsing in the front yard for no other apparent reason than a little bee sting). He began listing my Defects to the Elder beside him, who nodded and looked at me in pity.

After the meeting, my mother motioned to me to come over. She told me she was taking me to the Baths to be cleansed of my fears and ignorances. My female Basic friend was our assigned driver. I was glad to see her and I wanted to tell her about the scale, even though we weren’t supposed to tell the other levels. But my mother wouldn’t let us speak to each other.

On the side of the road was a girl. She was a Straggler, because she didn’t have a color or a level. Her hair was long and dirty, her shoes worn and her clothing patched. She waved at us to stop. We didn’t want to ignore her and cause her to do something that might tip the scale, so we halted. We asked if she wanted a ride, and she said no. She stared at us for a moment, and then said something about the woman in the ravine that had killed her own children. We looked down the ravine on the right, and there was nobody. Then the girl asked why we wouldn’t give her a ride. We were confused and slightly worried, but let her in the vehicle.

We asked where she was going, and she said the same place as us. We drove in silence and pulled into the Baths. When we entered the doorway my friend was pulled away by a male Intermediate. They looked to be in love. I thought,no, they’ve tipped the scale. It was wrong for the levels to mix like that, and it was so obvious, I had no doubt that the Elders knew. My mother looked at them and frowned, saying we were this close from total disaster and all they thought about was themselves.

We went into the room with the pool, and my mother got in. I waited a while. When I went to go in, I didn’t see my mother anywhere, but the pool was large, so I didn’t worry much. Then someone shouted at me, and I turned to see the girl. She said, see? The woman killed her children! I looked back at the pool and saw that everyone was being pulled underwater by an invisible force. I screamed and started to reach for them, but I didn’t want to touch the water, lest I be pulled in also.

I ran around the edge, shouting for help and looking for something that I could hold onto and that they could grab, but the room was empty. Then somebody tapped me on the shoulder and I found the male Basic, the one who had played with my ring, standing behind me. He told me that I had tipped the scale this time. I asked him how, and he pointed to the water, saying don’t you remember? Don’t you remember our child? And I looked in the pool and saw a floating baby doll, and my mother also floated by, grinning up at me.

21 Kings

There is a place with unlit halls

And falling pillars, and wine stains

There is a long table; and chairs, twenty-one chairs

And so sit the skeletons of twenty-one kings

The one at the head, with the greatest crown

And the biggest cup, and the largest ring

The coward that began everything

After the doors of the palace broke open

To be stripped of his power

And to suffer the ridicule: unbearable

Twenty-one cowards, one bottle of poison

And the big cup, shared amongst them

There were twenty-one sips between them all

And they stayed there, waiting for the end

The convulsions began, and gasping

All the fallen rulers started dancing

They twitched, seized, but silently

And when the victors entered the room

They were met by frozen, grotesque faces

And the spirit of death

 

 

© 2011 singinthebreeze.wordpress.com

Pulse

Can you feel

All the words just like the rain?

When they land they aren’t the same

There they end up in a puddle

You’d waste your time to separate

And the people

In this crowd they won’t confess

To being scared or something less

Than perfectly happy

Moving just like all the rest

Or do I speak for myself

When I say I’m suffocating?

Enough is enough

Right now I’m relocating

Where is the breathable air

In this space I’m occupying?

Enough is enough

Right now I’m relocating

Can you feel

The music pulsing through your veins?

Any louder you will faint

How much longer will you suffer?

You’re staying still with all your strength

And the people

With their elbows in your sides

Painful memories in their minds

Want to lose themselves in dancing

And other things you do at night

Or do I speak for myself

When I say I’m suffocating?

Enough is enough

Right now I’m relocating

Where is the breathable air

In this space I’m occupying?

Enough is enough

Right now I’m relocating

Everyone wants to say goodbye

But they don’t know how and they don’t know why

You can only stand them for so long

And then the hours lose their fun

Everyone wants to say goodbye

But they don’t know how and they don’t know why

You can only stand them for so long

And then the hours lose their fun

Or do I speak for myself

When I say I’m suffocating?

Enough is enough

Right now I’m relocating

Where is the breathable air

In this space I’m occupying?

Enough is enough

Right now I’m relocating

Do I speak for myself

When I say I’m suffocating?

Enough is enough

Right now I’m relocating

Where is the breathable air

In this space I’m occupying?

Enough is enough

Right now I’m relocating

 

 

© 2011 singinthebreeze.wordpress.com

The Rope

The air gets clearer near the end

I feel the weight of an ageless hand

I look down and you’re barely there

But from where you are it would hurt to land

Were you to fall

We’ve never fought like this before

I feel we’ve no love anymore

I look down and see you slipping

And I’m afraid I wouldn’t care

Were you to fall

~

I need to know

Would you let go

At the top of the mountain

When I’m out of sight

Would you have the strength

To hold my rope

When I’m only halfway

When I’ve lost all will to fight

I need to know

Would you let go

~

I’ve something pulling at my heart

I feel the guilt of violent thoughts

I’m scared to look what have I done

But there you are still hanging on

Why won’t you fall

The sun is setting on our fantasies

Are we meant to part as enemies

My arms are shaking my tears like ice

Consider my desires as casualties

Were you to fall

~

I need to know

Would you let go

At the top of the mountain

When I’m out of sight

Would you have the strength

To hold my rope

When I’m only halfway

When I’ve lost all will to fight

I need to know

Would you let go

~

You look above like you know what I’m thinking

I see your eyes and the fear inside them

I know not what drove me to this

I am so sickened by me

Answer me before I do it

It makes no difference to me

~

I just need to know

Would you let go

At the top of the mountain

When I’m out of sight

Would you have the strength

To hold my rope

When I’m only halfway

When I’ve lost all will to fight

I need to know

Would you let go

~

I need to know

Would you let go?

 

 

© 2011 singinthebreeze.wordpress.com

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