“Learn to light a candle in the darkest moments of someone’s life. Be the light that helps others see; it is what gives life its deepest significance.” – Roy T. Bennet

Posts tagged ‘hope’

Motherhood

Being a mother brings out the best and the worst in me.

Sometimes all I want is to cuddle with my son.

Sometimes I just want to hide in the bathroom and lock the door just to be alone and untouched for once.

Sometime I am hyper-vigilant in watching him, to the point that I can catch him before he starts to fall.

Sometimes I look away too long and he falls hard.

Sometimes he is so clean and shiny and he smells wonderful.

Sometimes I can’t remember his last bath.

Sometimes I will read him books over and over again for hours on end.

Sometimes I just hand him books to play with so I can do something else.

Time spent being a mother is time spent tearing yourself in half between selfishness and selflessness. You feel like your identity is in your child and feel lost when you don’t have them near to hold. You want to do everything “right” and never fail. You don’t want others to see your mistakes for fear that they view you as bad at mothering. You will never please everyone, least of all your own self.

Sometimes you pour all your love into one defenseless, little person.

Sometimes you cry.

But that’s motherhood.

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What Hurts

IMG_1490Pain was necessary to make me who I am. Even though sometimes the thought of what I’ve gone through is crippling, I know for a fact that it was the turning point for my becoming. Without pain, I would never have held a relationship to the wild step of marriage. Without pain, I would never had given it my all to birth a child. I wouldn’t have the determination that I have now to experience life to its fullest. But, oh, how it hurt at the time.
When a fifteen-year-old finds herself at the mercy of two grown men, so many things can happen. I could have died. I could have been abducted, sold, lost. I was violated but so much worse could have occurred in that moment. I survived to have a family and a life of potential. It killed me then, but it drives me now to love beyond reason the harshest of humans.  Somehow I still see the light in this world.
In the year following that moment, I was dark in my soul. My mind shouted and my nails were used to scratch red, bloody words onto my skin. I wrote horrible notes to myself where no one would see them. To me, I was nothing. Ruined. A whore. I kept my dark secrets buried and let them simmer and shape me into a bitter cynic. I felt ugly, inside and out. And to me, every man, both young and old, wanted me as a toy to play with and then leave in the dirt.
What changed this horrible mindset? I had a mental disease that was eating away at my core. Whatever could possibly heal me of it?
There is a love that reaches deep into your heart and strengthens it and fills it where it once was empty. I may yet be cynical but I believe wholeheartedly that there is a God that mends the broken mind and drives us to live again. He let me realize that the darkness in me was my soul crying to be whole. I was not abandoned or ruined or the putrid heap I thought I was. I was loved. I was beautiful.
I hope that in my sharing of this there will be someone that will understand. Do not allow those that hurt you to win. You can still stand strong and tall and live life wonderfully. I hope you find the healing that I did. I hope you have better days. I hope you grow old with your family and can look back to see that pain only made you tougher and didn’t cripple you. You may still cry or flinch at little things but it will get better over time. Survive. Do not dwell on the past, as it cannot change, but it can change you for the better if you’ll allow it.

To Think

Being young and having a baby puts me in an awkward place with my peers. Most women my age are only just getting engaged, or otherwise they are in school and working five days a week. This places me at the edge of circles, not yet old enough to be considered in the mom groups and in such a different place in life that I feel strangely mature in my usual group of friends.
I know I’m not the only mom to feel this way. My life doesn’t revolve fully around my child and husband. I don’t have dinner on the table every night. I just want to go on long runs in the forest and come home to a smiling baby, but that’s an impossible daydream.
I do like to work. I enjoy the feeling of earning my money and paying bills. I enjoy helping others.
Maybe what I’m trying to say is that I feel too young, too old, too busy, too lazy, and nowhere near where I wish I were in life.
I’ve always dreamt of traveling the world and learning new languages, of meeting new people and living in both poverty and riches in order to fully understand the world. I wanted to be a police officer, unbiased toward even the most distinctly different person. I wanted to be a writer, able to carry emotions in my words and change people though them. I wanted to be a wanderer, untethered by family or feelings and able to explore the entire expanse of the earth by wit alone.
But I found myself married at twenty years old and it’s possible that none of those dreams will ever come into fruition. And perhaps that is all they ever were: dreams. They were ideas that I latched onto and ruminated over so often that I found no fault in them.
Now I do find fault in them. They are missing my husband and my son and my family and friends and perhaps I feel for them more than I let on. I can be stoic and tired and hard and untouchable but I don’t think I can live without the people that surround me.
I sympathize for moody teenagers because I was one, but I also understand the need for stability and nine to fives and those days that drag on because they mean you love and are loved. I love and am loved, and I could continue to pine away for my unfulfilled dreams but sometimes things come into your life that you never expect and you never knew you needed.
I never meant for this to become what it is, but I guess I needed to write some things out for them to make sense in my head. Thank you for listening.

Bridges

Under the bridges of

Anybody’s hopes

It’s interesting to see

The nuances that rope

Their feelings together

In the dim light dreaming

Calling or falling away

And the sunrise bleeding

With the need to

Or the want to

Strip minds of their

Own disturbances

Lose the weight of

Mental absences

And concrete silences

Under the bridges

On the bridges

We walk and we waltz

But below there are

Waves to be calmed

Not ignored

The tempest may break

The bows of the forest

Flooding the atmosphere

With the withering honest

The honesty awashed

In nobody’s bridges

We shout to it

Caress it with voices

Perhaps it will begin

To turn away from us

Ashamed of its anger

And bloodlust

Nevertheless

Under the bridges of

Anybody’s hopes

We may wait in a ship

And look up

 

 

© 2012 singinthebreeze.wordpress.com

Untitled

with your eyes shut tight

and the book held close

you walk the halls

and appear to most

a religious fool

an overzealous man

but you keep on walking

and you let them stare

your lips may move

but no words come out

and they all wonder

what you pray about

and they hope the God

they don’t believe in

will listen if you’re

praying for them

you sit outside

and watch them leaving

and listen to their

silent suffering

and they laugh at you

to hide the trembling

and they whisper

so you cannot hear them

your lips may move

but no words come out

and they all wonder

what you pray about

and they hope the God

they don’t believe in

will listen if you’re

praying for them

© 2011 singinthebreeze.wordpress.com

Pickle Jar

they’ll tell you life is good here and dare you to say otherwise

as they go and steal a pickle jar to hold their savings in

it’ll stay as dry and empty as it was when it was found

but it sits there to remind them to save a buck someday

is it hard to believe that destiny

brought me to this city

where children cry and cease to be

part of the living

and the women walk in the night time

wishing they would meet somebody

and the men lose hope with the fading light

and drown in their misery

they’ll tell you life is good here and dare you to say otherwise

as they stand in line for soup so that their families may eat

it will last a couple days up to a week if they wanted

so dies a hungry mother and the unborn child inside

is it hard to believe that destiny

brought me to this city

where children cry and cease to be

part of the living

and the women walk in the night time

wishing they would meet somebody

and the men lose hope with the fading light

and drown in their misery

one by one, freedom will take them

two by two, the windows will close

and near their little graveyard a vacant house will stand

boarded up and buried deep in the minds of passing friends

and on a broken shelf above their only chair

there sits an empty pickle jar that nobody could fill

 

 

© 2011 singinthebreeze.wordpress.com

Answers to Life

do you see my nails?

you know i bite them

do you know why?

because i’m scared

of life and love and all the

in between

i’m still too young to know

where they’re leading me

and i am worried

that i won’t like it

if life is taught then

i’ve failed it

if love is bought then

forget it

i don’t want to pass my time

wondering whether i’ll be fine

or not

while i don’t like to cheat

if you’ve got any answers

then thank you

i’d be happy

and my nails long

😉   haha

 

 

© 2011 singinthebreeze.wordpress.com

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