Once upon a time, a baby boy was born. Now, baby boys are born often enough, but this one was special. Well, he wasn’t really, not yet, that is.
This little boy grew up. When he turned fifteen he ran away, like many other nice boys his age. He was caught and sent home as he was jumping the neighbor’s fence. Punished, as usual. Then he turned thirty.
Whoa, whoa, just, whoa there. He didn’t go from fifteen to thirty. What I meant was, he grew up even more, and became a man. The years in between have little mattering to the story.
Well, Phil, ’cause that was his name, was a little plain. His nose was all bony, and his eyebrows were all bushy, and his ears stuck way out from his head. When he was thirteen, he’d wanted to join the army, and had gotten a buzz-cut. Yeah, he still had it. Girls just didn’t much like the sight of him.
So thirty, single, and not enjoying it, Phil began to wonder what was wrong. He figured it was because he didn’t have a beard, cause he was unable to grow one. He went to the store, and bought a Gandalf costume, and used the fake beard that came with it. Unfortunately, it made him look ridiculous, and he quickly dumped it.
Saddened by the fact that no girl would look his way, and that no matter what he did it just wouldn’t help, Phil gave up and decided to live out his life long dream to become a rockstar. Thankfully, he was turned down before he even got to knock.
And then he found Brittany, the perfect girl for him. She was only slightly less homely, with long hair and an honest face. When Phil walked up to her, his heart was pounding like a jackhammer. Could she be the one? Would his endless searching finally end? He was afraid to find out. But he spoke to her.
“H-h-hello,” he said.
My friends, Brittany took one look at him and spit in his face. Then she took off running. Too late, Phil realized he’d had a sudden case of bad acne, probably from sweating so much, and all his richest hopes were crushed, except one.
Brittany’s dog had liked Phil more than his owner did. When Brittany ran, Phil gained a friend. His first ever. His name was Edward.
Okay, maybe I lied about Phil being special. I met him once, he ran me off the yard with a shotgun.